


Three Turks and a Baby

by ishiharaSATURDAY



Category: Before Crisis: Final Fantasy VII, Compilation of Final Fantasy VII, Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII Remake (Video Game 2020), Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Comedy, Gen, Incorrect Shinra Quotes, Inspired By Tumblr, Multi, Other, Screenplay/Script Format, Short One Shot, Sketches
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-09
Updated: 2020-08-09
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:13:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25803424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ishiharaSATURDAY/pseuds/ishiharaSATURDAY
Summary: Knock, knock. Who's there? A baby! But whose?
Relationships: Elena & Reno & Rude (Compilation of FFVII), Rufus Shinra/Tseng
Kudos: 8





	Three Turks and a Baby

While on a very brief hiatus from [Look at Us](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24527872), I do this for the lolz.   
A sketch for Gold Saucer, in the style of _A Very Potter Musical_.

* * *

Setting: Healen Lodge, Post AC

Characters: Rufus, Tseng, Reno, Rude, Elena, Dark Nation, Baby

– Curtains Part –

RENO, RUDE and ELENA are spread out across the stage.

RENO lounging on a sofa, RUDE doing paper work, ELENA fiddling with her PHS.

A knock is heard. The trio look towards the door.

ELENA

_I’ll get it._

_[moves to open the door]_

RUDE

_Wait._

_[gets up and blocks her]_

ELENA

_Ok. On three._

_[nods, pulls out a gun and gets into position, mouths 3-2-…]_

RUDE

_…_

_[opens the door, arms up, ready to swing into action]_

ELENA

_There’s no one… What’s this?_

_[lowers gun, looks at a basket on the ground, crouches down]_

BABY

_[lets out a squeak]_

RENO

_Is that a fucking baby!?_

_[sits upright, assumes fetal position]_

ELENA

Sure looks like one. What’s a baby doing out here?

[brings the basket in, lays it on the coffee table]

_[RENO squirms, looking terrified | RUDE closes the door and joins the others]_

RENO

_It looks… fresh, yo. Gooey._

_[peers over the edge of the basket]_

ELENA

_You mean like a ‘newborn’?_

_Either of you been getting irresponsibly busy in the last 9 months or so?_

_[arms akimbo, looking from Reno to Rude and back]_

RENO

_Oh no no no no no no no. Not me._

_The only time I paid attention at school was for sex ed._

ELENA

_You went to school? … Rude?_

RUDE

_Not mine._

_[shakes head]_

RENO

_Then it’s yours, Elena! Solved!_

_[stands up, finger guns pointed]_

ELENA

_I think I would have known if I’d been pregnant this whole time._

_I think EVERYONE would have known._

_[glares at RENO]_

RENO

_Elena. I am very dense._

_[places hand on ELENA’S shoulder, face serious]_

_[ELENA and RUDE think about this, both nod]_

BABY

_[fusses, starts wailing]_

ELENA

_Oh no. What do we do?_

RENO

_Quick! Give it a boob!_

_[pushes ELENA towards the basket]_

ELENA

_That’s not how it works! I thought you said you paid attention for stuff like this?!_

_[crosses arms over chest]_

RENO

_I’m more about the journey, less about the destination._

_[RUDE reaches into basket | ELENA and RENO watch with bated breath]_

BABY

_[stops crying]_

RENO

_Woah, partner, how did you do that?_

ELENA

_Rude, that is amazing! Where’d you learn to do…_

_[RUDE cradles the silent baby in one arm,_

_takes a spare pair of sunglasses out of his jacket pocket,_

_puts in on the baby]_

BABY

_[starts crying again]_

ELENA

_WHY DID I ASSUME YOU’D BE GOOD AT THIS?! Give it to me!_

_[_ takes baby in arms _]_

BABY

_[quietens down]_

RENO

_You see! It senses the presence of boobs, no matter how small._

_[ELENA reaches for her gun with her free arm]_

RENO

_Elena. This is it. This is how you trap Tseng._

_You can tell him you had his baby, and now he has to marry you_

_to preserve your honor or whatever. Tseng loves that kind of shit._

ELENA

_What? That’s ridiculous! Tseng and I have never even…_

_[realizes she has said too much, hides her guns]_

_[RUFUS enters from stage left]_

_[ELENA, RENO and RUDE snap to attention]_

ELENA, RENO & RUDE

_President!_

RUFUS

_Ah, I see it’s arrived._

RENO

_OH THANK SWEET SHIVA!_

_This baby’s yours, boss? Hey, congratulations!_

_[heaves a sigh of relief, laughs]_

_[ELENA and RUDE shoot looks of suspicion at each other]_

RUFUS

_In a way. I’ve offered to care for this child in place of its birth parents,_

_who wish to remain anonymous._

_[ELENA steps closer to RUFUS, offering the BABY to him |_

_RUFUS waves her off and continues his monologue,_

_strolling around the room with arms behind his back]_

RUFUS

_You see, Turks, in these very trying times, as the world rebuilds, we need to send out a message of hope._

_What better way to do that than through the next generation!_

RENO

_So, you want someone to snap a photograph of you with this baby_

_and spread it around to help repair Shinra’s reputation?_

RUFUS

_Me, the baby and Dark Nation._

_People love dogs, and Dark Nation is a very good boy._

RUDE

_Yes, he is a good boi._

_[nods in agreement]_

ELENA & RENO

_Such a boi._

_[nod in time with RUDE]_

BABY

_[gurgles, sounding like it might start crying again]_

ELENA

_What would you like for us to do now, sir?_

_[trying to get RENO to carry the BABY]_

RUFUS

_Keep it alive. Feed it. Bathe it. Change its soiled garments. General maintenance._

_[sits in an arm chair | DARK NATION enters stage left and sits by RUFUS]_

RENO

_Uh… Does it have a name?_

_[awkwardly carrying the baby]_

RUFUS

_It needs a strong name. One that commands respect, and fear. What about…_

ELENA, RENO & RUDE

_Rufus._

_[monotonously]_

RUFUS

_Of course! Rufus Shinra Junior. Rufus Shinra II. Rufus Shinra, second of his…_

_or her… name. Yessss. It’s perfect! Come, Dark Nation!_

_Let’s celebrate by shooting some chocobos!_

_[stands up, picks up oversized firearm, snaps for DARK NATION to follow]_

_[RUFUS and DARK NATION exit stage left]_

RENO

_Okaaaaaay. So the Turks are babysitters all over again._

_At least this one isn’t going to run away and get stabbed through the chest anytime soon, am I right?_

_[pokes the BABY in the cheek repeatedly]_

_[RUDE shakes his head, adjusting his sunglasses | ELENA sighs and rubs her temples]_

RENO

_What? Too soon?_

_[TSENG bursts in from stage right]_

TSENG

_Have any of you seen, Rufus?_

_He’s supposed to be on a call with Reeve in less than…_

_Is that… Is that a baby?_

_[pauses mid-step, brows furrowed]_

RENO

_Oh yea, this baby is…_

ELENA

_YOURS._

_[snatches the BABY from RENO, slides in closer to TSENG]_

RUDE & RENO

…

[turn away, stifling laughter]

TSENG

_Excuse me, Elena?_

ELENA

_IT’S TRUE! UH… YES, I HAVE BORNE YOU A CHILD. PLEASE LOVE ME._

_[grinning like a maniac]_

TSENG

_No, I don’t think so._

_[raises a hand, gently pushing Elena aside]_

ELENA

_What is wrong with me…_

_[absentmindedly passes the BABY to RUDE,_

_walks over to sofa and lies face down on a cushion.]_

RENO

_Rufus adopted this baby to improve his public image. We don’t know much beyond that._

TSENG

_Rufus? My Rufus? So this baby is…_

_[looking shocked, hand shoots up to cover his mouth]_

RENO

_Yea, that’s what the boss man said._

TSENG

The child of Rufus Shinra must be protected at all costs.

I will treat it as my own. No harm will ever come to it. I must go to him.

[ _RUDE steps closer to TSENG, offering the BABY to him |_

 _TSENG waves him off and stalks out the door_ ]

_[TSENG exits stage right]_

[ELENA, RUDE and RENO stand around silently | RUDE moves to place the BABY back into the basket]

RENO

_Do you think Strife delivers stuff for babies, and McDonald’s?_

ELENA

_Yes, I’m sure he does. But I hope you aren’t going to feed McDonald’s to the kid._

RENO

_Course I’m not!_

RUDE

_Babies need proper nutrition. The human body is a temple._

RENO

_And I worship McDonald’s._

_[dials for Cloud Strife on his PHS and holds it up to his ear]_

ELENA

_I want fries._

– Curtains fall –

THE END

[A few years lateuuur.](https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/50940211)

K THANX BAI


End file.
